How to Write a Political Chain Email

Ever wanted to start a popular email forward, one that would cross the continent several times, be printed and posted approvingly in offices, and yield a crop of happy responses from like-minded folk? It's easy! Here's how:

1) Analyze your target audience. If you are targeting right-wing Republicans, mention abortion, taxes, and the war in Iraq. A lot. If you can work (Protestant) religion into it somewhere, all the better. If you are targeting liberal democrats, mention abortion, welfare, and the war in Iraq. A lot. Leave religion out of it. If you are targeting libertarians, don't bother; they won't read email forwards.

2) Now, start with a commonplace. You know, something everyone in your target audience can agree on. For instance:

• Go to church every now and then.
• Don't kill puppies.
• Don't take money from old ladies.
• Be polite to soldiers.
• Try not to be a jerk.

Then, work this commonplace into your email wherever it's logical (on second thought, just wherever).

3) You've got 'em warmed up, and you haven't even had to advance an argument. Good. Time for some good old ad hominem attacks. This is where you subtly (or not so subtly) attack the character of your candidate's opponent. Do this by:

• Comparing him or her to public enemy #1 (Before 9/11, that would be Hitler. Now, guess who?)
• Referring to rumors about his or her pre-political life (a drunk, a homosexual, a Muslim, etc)
• Taking any quote out of context (Off-the-cuff remarks are great for this, especially if you can make it sound like an ex cathedra statement)
• Suggesting that the candidate in question might not go to church, might kill puppies, take money from old ladies, be impolite to soldiers, or might simply be a jerk)

4) You've dealt with the present and the past now. Time to focus on the future. For this one, we'll rely on that old standby: the slippery-slope argument. Here's how it works.

• Take an idea or action that your opponent has espoused or done. It should be one you stringently disagree with.
• Now, multiply it by a thousand and project it 4 years into the future. Strip the candidate of all restraint and common sense (actually, this should have been done in the previous step)
• Example: the candidate suggests taking in a stray kitten when you see one. What if, you ask, everyone took in every stray kitten they possibly saw? We would be overrun with kittens! Vets would make so much money, they would become more powerful than politicians! We would have a country run by veterinarians!

5) Finally, end with an appeal to justice, loyalty, or common sense, and tack those things firmly to the candidate of your choice.

6) Add a few blinking gifs of flags, scripture, and animals to the bottom. Perhaps a plea to keep the chain intact. Now, send it to your favorite email zealot, and wait.

God bless America, save the puppies, and shoot the Muslims!

For God so loved the world that he had the faith of a mustard seed, and rendered to Caesar the things that are Caesar's!

Comments

[colleen]

great post! i'm digging your blog!